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Dear Michelle
People may find it hard to believe I haven’t had sex for 20+ years. Work commitments have been the main reason.
Now I’ve retired I want to make up for it and have joined a raunchy dating site. (RHP)
I had my prostate removed about 14 years ago, which is known to cause ED issues.
When I had surgery they didn’t provide/suggest, penile rehabilitation post surgery. These days they do.
I've recently been undertaking rehabilitation therapy using medications and a Vacurect pump, but it may be too late.
I may not be able get a spontaneous erection.
That makes me very anxious.
I don’t know how a lady is likely to react, because I don’t want to let her down.
I would appreciate some advice.
JDW
Hi JDW, yes, prostate removal and the resultant erectile issues that can cause, as well as being out of the game for 20 years would be very anxiety inducing. Each of those things on their own is a lot to deal with.
GETTING BACK IN THE GAME
Let's first take a look at getting back in the game now that you've retired and are feeling the need to 'make up for it'. Already that sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Going from 0 to 100 probably reflects your type A personality. I'm guessing you're super driven with a goal oriented mindset?
Just like your career that has been all-consuming, you're beautiful (retired) super-brain is wanting to put all that focus into sex but there's the rub. You're not a young, virile man any more. And neither are your dates. You know how you go to your school reunion and wonder what all those old people are doing there?
SEX VS INTIMACY
If it's purely sex you're after, why not try a sex worker or sexual massage therapist? They deal with this stuff all the time and they're really good at navigating it. They have zero performance expectations and it might help you get back in the game more gently and with less anxiety. If it's connection with women you're after, or someone to dance through the rest of your life with, then I would go for a more gentle approach.
Take the pressure off by meeting up with women but not necessarily just for sex. After 20 years, your fun, flirty side could probably do with some brushing up. Take the opportunity to practice bringing up the subject of your erection difficulties post prostatectomy. You could try speed dating, joining a dance class or a less 'raunchy' site like eharmony.
BRINGING UP THE SUBJECT
Diving into sex without bringing up this anxiety inducing subject first has the potential for disaster. Sexual communication is difficult at the best of times but rest assured, we've all got our own issues and insecurities that we're dealing with and opening up the conversation is the best way of creating the kind of intimacy that will lead to great sex.
COMMUNICATION IS THE GREATEST FOREPLAY
When you find someone who you think you would like to have sex with, gather your courage and explain that there are some things you want to share with them about your sexual self. Ask if this is a good time to do so. If yes, great! If not, then ask them to let you know (sooner rather than later) when a good time would be.
Being your authentic, vulnerable self is super sexy you know? Try to keep it relaxed, playful and curious. Chances are that if you're dating women your own age, then they may not have had sex for a very long time either. They're probably menopausal, have a really dehydrated, painful vagina, have also had cancer or other treatments that have impacted their sexual health, have an STI, have low libido or have dealt with stressful relationships that have left them fearful and vulnerable. Way to build connection what???
AGE AND SEXUALITY
After 50 years of age, 50% of penises have a less firm erection, after 60 it's 60%, after 70 it's 70% etc. Similarly, vaginas lose their elasticity and the tissue becomes more fragile with age. Combined with all of the above, sex when you're older just isn't the same as in youth and we can therefore no longer define sex as PIV (penis in vagina). We're all growing older together :)
MYTH: PENETRATIVE SEX IS REAL SEX
It's a common misconception that penetrative sex is not real sex and yet only 25% of heterosexual women orgasm through penetration alone. If you have a flaccid penis you can still enjoy fantastic sex. If you have a vagina that doesn't accept an erect, thrusting penis you can still experience intense pleasure and have a wonderful sex life. As Joan Price, author of The Ultimate Guide to Sex Over 50 says
(read the interview with senior sexpert Joan Price HERE)
SELF PLEASURE
Before you get back in the game JDW, get to know your own body again. By consciously masturbating you will find where your pleasure points are and what brings you to orgasm. Experiment with different toys. For less erect penises we have great success with The Manta and the Pulse. And always use a great lube like Überlube. (See all our recommendations for an infirm erection HERE). As we age, arousal can take a while so it's safe to assume that your future partners would be using sex toys regularly too. Fun!
PENETRATION
If you're positively aching to penetrate a lover, you can always try Viagra - although an older vagina doesn't necessarily crave a raging boner - or injections (see your GP for both). Both options have pros and cons. Or you can try a strap on harness. The Zoro has room inside for a non-erect penis, either inside the dildo or underneath it. Remember that your partner(s) might not necessarily need penetration so it's a good discussion to have before you go shopping.
A newer product on the market is the Balldo - it turns your balls into a dildo so it's great when your penis is out of action! Weird right? It's possibly too big and intimidating for a lot of vaginas but wearers of the Balldo report incredibly powerful orgasms - the skin on the balls being equivalent in sensation to the vulva.
There are so many ways to enjoy sex and experience pleasure without an erect penis. Raging boner or not, practice playfulness, curiosity, relaxation, vulnerability and authenticity. Learn about your partner's needs. Ask what turns her on. Invite conversation. We are all learning all the time and none of us are experts because we're always evolving. Enjoy your retirement JDW and have rich, fulfilling experiences and connections.
FUN FACT 1: These Golden Girls are the same age as Carrie and the gang.
We put way too much pressure on ourselves to be youthful. Growing older gracefully is accepting what we can no longer do and finding ways to get around it. Can't tie your shoelaces any more? Wear socks and sandals. Can't get an erection? Use your mouth, fingers, toys, voice, eyes...
FUN FACT 2: The 2018 Match.com Singles in America report—based on a survey of 5,000 singles of all ages, ethnicities, and income levels across the U.S, found that single 66-year-old women and single 64-year-old men report having the best sex.
Read our How To Have Great Sex Without Penetration blog HERE
Much love and good vibes,
Michelle xxx
P.S. Erection rehabilitation is possible after removal of the prostate but the chances of doing so decrease over time. Our Post Prostate Cancer Treatment Rehab Pump Kit is recommended as soon as your urologist gives the green light (usually within a couple of weeks)
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Michelle
Thank you Peter and Jenny. And yes, prostate nurses provide great info!
Peter
A very well researched and thoughtful answer. Well done. As an additional option, our lustful lover who has rediscovered his libido could speak to a prostate nurse and mine has been a tremendous source of information and advice in the same way that you have. As you rightly observed, having a fulfilling intimate relationship isn’t merely something to be found in the heads of a man’s penis, it resides a lot higher in the head attached to his neck. Well done. Thanks for providing such a great response to a challenging question that more and more men are having to deal with these days.
Jenny
What a great response Michelle. I’d love to have a JDW in my life. As Michelle said there are so many things to explore apart from just a P in V. There’s also something very freeing about being mature and wanting to have as much uniting y as possible, exploring each other. JDW has nothing to be anxious about, it’s about communicating to each other what you like and exploring every inch. Have fun making up for lost time JDW. The right women won’t be concerned at all.